The Dentist..

   For those of you that wish you’d been born in a different century I have four words for you- “Modern Dentistry “ and “Nitrous - Oxide.” ( Why is it that everybody brushes their teeth the hardest right before going to get them cleaned? )  I had a two - o’clock appointment with my friend and dentist,  Maggie..  I won’t let anyone work on me but her - she’s a true artist ( and we know what kind of people THEY are..)

  Seriously though, she is crazy as a bedbug and I won’t go anywhere else.. She can be right in the middle of doing a root-canal, and then burst into song - you can hear her easily from the waiting room.. 

I’d generally prefer having my ass kicked, ( which I’ve had several times - once pretty badly outside a bar on Sixth Street in Austin..In the immortal words of Ron White, I didn’t know how many of them it would take to beat my ass - but I know how many they used,) than go to the dentist..

  A young lady, ( Zenobia ) took me back to one of the torture chambers but before I got into the chair I told her that she should know two things - first, that I’ve been in enough fights that when somebody sticks their finger’s in my mouth I generally try to bite them off , and two - that I would be needing nitrous oxide immediately and please don’t take your foot off the “gas.”

  Before she hooked me up to the apparatus I noticed a large vest hanging on the wall with a hole in it exactly where the belly-button would be.. I said, “ If that’s supposed to be a bulletproof vest, it didn’t work.”                            Zenobia answered with, “ HaHa, you’re a really funny guy aren’t you, John!”                        “ Just wait ‘till you turn the Nitrous on, “ I told her..   She put the mask on me and cranked it up.. Deep breaths…Nothing..                                “Umm, Zenobia, I don’t feel a thing..”.             She went and got another tech, ( Louise ) to come and fix it..  Zenobia said, “ I don’t really know what I’m doing - I just follow instructions.”   I said, “ Well, that’s encouraging..”  More deep breaths.. I looked back over my forehead and saw Louise standing there and I said, “ You’re upside down!”           She looked at me, smiled, and said to Zeno,  “ It’s working now..” Then she left..

  As I was having my teeth cleaned Maggie danced in singing a Freddie Mercury tune, so I said, “ Some pussy I am, huh, Maggie? Need laughing gas to get my teeth cleaned..”   “You are so cray-cray, John,” she warbled.. (When it comes to dentists I’m thinking I’m about as brave as a nine year old girl but that’s not true - nine year old girls have the nerve to sell shitty cookies outside of grocery stores for ten dollars a box..)I told her that I had some third world stuff going on in my mouth..“Where have you had work done?”  she asked .. “ Right here, Maggie..” I said..                              “Well, it’s been a while, John..”        

  Zenobia finished my mouth and Maggie examined me..She said, “ It’s not third world but you have broken a filling - England teeth maybe..” I’d made the appointment so that I could get Botox injections directly into the muscles of my jaw - have something called TMJ ( Thermonuclear Motherf- - - ing Jawpain ) that makes me tense up, causing headaches.                                                    I asked her if she used horse needles for the procedure and she laughed again..                     “ You ARE cray-cray, John - I use diabetic syringes!”  After marking “X’s” all over my face she then made the injections..I’m still waiting for it to take effect..

JBS Blackheart