Alcoholics Anonymous..

 My first meeting was interesting, ( like chicks pushing maximum density but still order two desserts after polishing off an entire large pizza kind of interesting.)

The guest speaker was a stringy haired, pastey faced, LATE thirty something that looked like he preferred mainlining drain cleaner more than drinking booze, but what do I know? I just got here..I’m thinking immediately, “Is this the best they can do?” I should have been preparing myself for the unimaginable but, again, I was new..

He starts out a little hesitant, and so in an attempt to lighten things up a bit he says - and I quote - “ Alcohol’s overrated, just like Corvettes and Teen-aged pussy..”

Dead..Silence…( except for a few groans from the rows behind me..) The speaker, who looked like he finished last in a Tom Petty look-a-like pageant, pulls at the collar of his faded Mega-Death t-shirt and wipes his forehead..

FIRST - alcohol is not something that can be rated - it’s just there..

SECOND - there is absolutely nothing funny about a close to middle aged man having sex with a teen, unless she is of age, a professional,  and he pays - preferably with his life..

THIRD - I’ve owned a Corvette - a ‘76 Stingray..There’s nothing overrated about Corvettes..Once you’ve had one everything else is just transportation..

It took every ounce of self control I had not to get up and walk out - probably never to return..He tried a few more times at humor and got only a nervous smattering of giggles from his three best friends in the front row..Tough crowd when everyone’s dying for a drink and you just said the most inappropriate thing possible..A lot of these people probably had teenage daughters, and I would’ve felt sorry for the guy if I didn’t hate his fucking guts too..He told another joke but I didn’t hear it - I was absentmindedly wondering why scientists couldn’t come up with a pill to make me stop picturing what this bastard had just said.. I casually look around to confirm what I already knew.. I wasn’t alone..The entire audience seemed to agree with me that he should have the living shit beat out of him out of principle..You just don’t joke about some things to a white-knuckled bunch like this.. The dipshit kept talking for another 30 minutes and proved me wrong by thinking you couldn’t really screw the pooch much worse than he already had, but he did so by mentioning autistic kids..After that I’ll bet money that he spent the rest of his testimony telling himself over and over, “ Never use the teenage autistic trim joke again..” He lost me at hello anyway..I’m pretty image-conscious and this dude’s image was one of a lifetime subscriber to Hustler magazine.. He was the kind of guy that if you saw him fall overboard on a cruise ship and you had a life-preserver in your right hand, you’d run around searching for a 20 pound anchor to throw to him with your left..This asshole reminded me of the shower scene in that horror movie - ( not Psycho ) the home movie where he’s in the shower and you reach around the curtain and hand him a plugged in toaster..

I’m not nominating myself for any medals but I spent more than a few hours of my career watching out for my students from creeps like this..Always trust your instincts - they’re in your DNA for a reason, and mine have never failed me yet.. I left right after the Serenity Prayer..

JBS Blackheart